Farewell!

I believe dear reader that it is time to say good bye.

For the time that I was occasionally able to write to y'all it was a blessing and lots of fun.

But we are heading towards a year since my last post and I think this says something about my commitment to it and my priorities for this new season of my life.

So I shall keep it short and say thank you for reading. Thank you for praying and being involved in my blogging life!  I hope there have been moments when you have enjoyed what you have read and I hope I may have even been inspiring or humorous...but on the off chance that I might have been neither I shall end it here!

Chow x

Keep calm it's almost bedtime

Keep calm and carry on. Keep calm and drink tea (a personal favourite) but at the moment it's:

Keep calm and remember it's almost bedtime!

And I'm almost as excited for it to be my bedtime as I am for it to be the girls'.

And just as I'm catching up on many months of broken sleep Little Lady no2. is averaging 11 hours a night undisturbed (except for occasional loss of comfort bunny) we've decided to do it all over again. Back to square one...!

Yes that's right folks, there's another bun in the oven and I will briefly experience the 3 kids under the age of 4 scenario.


But I hear that more than one is just "more than one".

Although someone said I was a glutton for punishment which I think is also probably true but as someone who has always wanted a big family with lots of squabbling, fun, memories and mess I'm happy to grow another tiny person inside me and add to the flock.

Since I've had a loooong summer hiatus from blogging I just thought I'd let you all know where the little ladies +1 are at.

Little Lady no1:

• Is at preschool; she has teachers and everything! Although can I find a pair of plimsolls that fit her...? I've already had to take two pairs back and now she's one of the odds ones in slippers.
• Is cheeky and chatty beyond belief (really need to blog on convos with my 2....oh, now 3 year old).  "Mummy where do ducks sleep? Mummy do horses cover up their poo?" Let your imagination run wild, she certainly does!
• Sounds worryingly like me.
• Can use the tablet almost as competently as me, almost...
• Loves stories and singing and wiggling her bum to songs on the radio.
• Is fully engaged in a home preshcool curriculum with me.  Every day we do something related to the letter of the week which is related to a bible story and I have to say we're both really enjoying it and growing together in our Bible knowledge and enthusiasm for God's word. We found the syllabus here: God's Little Explorers
• And just to let you all know that we're a nice normal family Little Lady no1, has started every morning this week on the naughty step for a. refusing to come downstairs, b. refusing to take her nappy off, c. refusing to say please, d. throwing a hissy fit about being asked to do any and all of the above!

as for Little Lady no2:

• She eats like a horse....a  petite, delicate, starving horse....her portions are almost as big as her sister's, she finishes before her sister, is less fussy, more grumpy if you don't feed her fast enough, and is finished and ready to play again quicker than her sister who also spends regular time on the naughty step at meal times too....
• Is pointing at everyone and everything...and I'm a little bored of saying single words over and over again to myself and having people look at me like I'm a crazy person: "tree", "house", "tree", "man", "tree" etc etc etc...
• Is nearly ready for shoes! The best thing about girls is being able to buy so many shoes. The down side is tiny shoes are so expensive...oh and also girls mess with your mind....sort of hoping for a boy this time at least they only mess with the house...although their shoes are equally expensive.
• Has begun signing hoorah! Dog and swimming are current favourites and they're even in context.
• Likes to stand at the window sill, climb into the toy box and generally put herself in peril.

Little addition no3:

• Has been kicking for a couple of weeks....despite those who don't believe me I simply don't suffer that badly with wind.....and by baby no3. I know what it feels like ok!?
• Is the size of a lemon according to baby centre's "Poppy seed to pumpkin: how big is your baby?" page!
• Is coming with me on my journey into a low sugar diet. Apart from the two small slices of homemade apple pie...because, of course, it would have been a crime against all apple pies everywhere to not eat some and check that it was ok for everyone else to eat.

Wow no wonder I'm tired.

Off to bed now, oh wait.

I have to put the littles to bed and then go food shopping and then catch up on last nights Bake Off!

I love dressing up!

The little lady no1. is much like her Mummy. She loves dressing up!  We have a box full of dressing up clothes and I'm always eager to add to the selection which currently includes, among others, a doctor's scrubs, a ladybird dress and a ballerina's tutu. I would love to find a pirate and perhaps a cowboy outfit but I'll have to wait until the next Kwon sale!

I love dressing up so much I basically took a degree in it. Although I only did few productions getting decked out as a different person, to live a different life was always thrilling.  That moment before I would step on the stage knowing my lines off by heart, muttering my lines under my breath, waiting for other characters to respond, feeling the eye of the audience upon me still remains one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. 

As the little lady no1. was dressed up as a half witch, half ballerina, half doctor today...too many halves mmm...it got me thinking about how, as a Christian, I am called to a life of dressing up. Go with me.

I get to traipse around my house, Tesco, Wollaton Park, the library et al dressed to the nines in "garments of salvation...robes of righteousness" Isaiah 61:10. 

But the problem is I often feel like a total fraud.  I feel like a character playing the part of the good christian, I know my lines and am careful to get it right under the eye of my friends, family and church -my audience.

Elyse Fitzpatrick in Comforts from the Cross writes:

Jesus has taken on the responsibility to dress you beautifully...it's his delight to dress you in garments that befit your calling as the bride of the Lord of lords. When he looks at you he smiles with deep affection and contentment. He has cleansed you completely so that you are radiant, without any stain or shadow of guilt or impurity.  We're not playing dressing up.  This is who we really are.

I forget that I AM the good christian! Not because I am but because Jesus was for me. I am 100% certified righteous because I believe the good news that Jesus lived, died and rose again.  I'm not playing the part. This is who I really am. Thank you Jesus for smiling at me.

I hope to teach both my ladies the joys that come with dressing up, be it on stage or when getting ready to go to a party.  But I want them above all to know the solid joy that comes when we unashamedly dress up as who we really are in Christ not frauds but beloved brides who are totally: cleansed, sanctified, loved before the dawn of time, friends of God, redeemed.

a blog by any other name

So? What's in a name?

As you may have noticed I have changed the name of my blog.  Which hasn't really been a blog, more of a stagnant diary over the past couple of months as we have battled various rounds of extreme business and illness (during which even the husband took some time off work...yes you heard me right!) thankfully followed by a sneaky four days away on holiday. 

When I started my blog, "confessions of a christian mum" seemed a good name with varying amounts of appeal according to who you are and what you consider worthy of being called a confession!  But in the last couple of months I feel I have been finding my blogging  bugbear niche. And I think that it is my thought life. I most frequently blog about the deeper goings on in my noggin as I grapple with being a wife and a mother from a Christian world view. Which I generously interspersed with the odd blog about cheese twists and soft toys for a comic element!

I have been pondering what to rename the blog for a while and just this week at church we have been looking at 1 Thessalonians and Paul writes about presenting the baby church there as his crown and joy on the day of the Lord's return.   As a Christian stay-at-home (although rarely actually at home) mum I view my family like a really mini church. They are the group of people God has given me to love and serve and I can think of no greater goal for my time as a wife and mother than to strive to see my husband and my children cross the finish line and stand by my side when Jesus returns. I want them to be my crown and joy.

The title crown and joy has been on my mind for a while now. Doesn't God have wonderful ways of prompting and encouraging? Although it may not immediately reflect my perceptions that my blog is about my thought life, I hope it will help guide my future posts as I have an overarching theme, if you will, to blog about.

Yes of course I will still confess to you my crazy lady thoughts, my funny and occasionally not so holy convos with my two year old, I will also share my walk with Jesus as I aim to be a better Christian, Wife and Mummy hoping to encourage and inspire....well mostly myself! I only have a few faithful followers (you know who you are) but blogging allows me some all important self-reflection, but more than that it helps me to preach the gospel to myself because the Lord knows...I'm rather forgetful.

brownie points if you can tell me why a rose is a significant picture for this post!

and so it begins!

"Mummy, I want a cheese twist!"

"No, darling you've just had a weetabix and toast"

"But I do want one!"

"I know you do, but the answer is no"

"But Mummy the best book to read is the Bible"

*Pauses and thinks*...where is this going?

"Yes. The best book to read is the Bible but you're still not having a cheese twist"

"Oh but I do want one!

*Toddler Pauses*

"Mummy can I have more Peter Rabbit?"

"No you've just watched two episodes of Sarah and Duck!"

"But Mummy I do want Peter Rabbit!"

*sigh*

"I know you do, but the answer is no"

And so today's conversational pattern takes on a strangely cyclical feel...

Wish me luck!

No, cuz I a growed up girl!

There have been numerous moments lately when the phrase "because you're a grown up girl" has been brilliant at persuading Little Lady no1. (now 2 years and 8 months) to change her behaviour and do as I say. The subsequent praise bestowed upon her for eating with her fork and spoon (no people baked beans are not a finger food!), putting her own shoes on (or at least trying) and wearing "big girl" knickers has probably been a little unnecessary....

It's now of course coming back to bite me, "please don't do that darling.  Please don't: pick Little Lady no. 2 up all by yourself; try cross the road without holding Mummy's hand; drag your stool across the kitchen to the hob in a valiant albeit suicidal attempt to stir the pasta" I say and the reply comes "no Mummy, cuz I a growed up girl!".

Clearly safety and reason are of no concern to a toddler who, for the past 7 months since Little Lady no2. arrived., has been fueled by the promise and praise of her autonomy!

But I realise that bribing Little Lady no1. with the promise of independence, autonomy, self-esteem and self-confidence, which are merely false gods, will ultimately lead Little Lady no.1 (and 2) away from the obedience that it required of her, and the grace and mercy that could be hers! No where in the Bible does it say that any of the above character traits are worthy of our life time's pursuit! The Bible says:

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise"
 Psalm 51:17

So I have been challenging myself not to say it so much and to continue to teach Little Lady no1 obedience. For obedience is what is required of her! I shouldn't have to appeal, beg and manipulate her into listening to me and doing as she is told  no matter how effective recent strategies may have proved to be.  And I fear that all they have achieved is behaviour modification rather than address any of the heart issues my 2 year and 8 month old is actually grappling with.

She is a tiny, walking, talking unabashed version of everyone of us.  Seeking her own desires, pleasures and gains unable to even consider how or why her heart is wired the way it is. That's my job. It's my job to teach her to admit that she is broken, that sin has marred God's image of himself in her and only a contrite heart that trusts in Christ to save and restore her will give her any hope and reward in this life and the next. That's the reason she has me, I am supposed to be her conscience and guide until I have taught her well enough the Biblical principles she needs to navigate this world and her heart for herself, under God's authority.

Unfortunately I think she will hear "because I'm your Mother, that's why!"more, but hopefully when said with love, in truth, for her good, by God's grace (and probably with an extra sentence or two to further explain!) it will mean a whole lot more to her heart than "because you're a grown up girl"


On a lighter note:



yeah pretty much!

On conversations I didn't have...

Post mid-week sneaky shower whilst little lady no2. is napping and little lady no1. is at nursery. I am considering again the state of my house and my heart.

During showering I was looking at the windows in the bathroom all splash marked, the slightly gungy bath toys, the few stray hairs on the floor. As I wandered downstairs in my towel to find my moisturizing lotion I could almost feel my emotional state lowering as I looked at all the toys and random items of clothing adorning the stairs, hallway floor and any other surface I generally think they shouldn't be. I reviewed my day in my head: took little lady no1. to nursery, came home gave little lady no2. her breakfast, gave little lady no2. her nap, continued knitting a baby blanket for an expecting friend, woke little lady no2. from her nap bundled her into her snowsuit and into her pushchair to catch the bus to her swimming lesson, took her swimming, took her to clinic, came home had my lunch, gave her her lunch, rang the garage to discuss our faulty car whilst jiggling little lady no2. on my hip, put her down for a nap, jumped in the shower.....

Hello unreasonable self here's a question: When amongst all of that- am I expected to clean, wash, sort or tidy anything!? And then as I was moisturizing I began imagining my husband walking through the door from work and I imagined all the judgments he might make about how I use my time by assessing the state of the house. Then I began to argue with him in my head.

Yes. I am apparently a crazy person.

I imagined myself justifying my day, explaining all the things I had done, how much effort I'd put into those things in order to excuse my self-imposed feelings of laziness. I am once again in default mode of "clean house; clean heart, good mum, good wife".

So firstly an apology:

Dear Husband,

I am sorry for all the conversations I have with you where you are not actually present. Forgive me for the times you have come home and found me in a bad mood. I was angry because we had had an argument but you didn't know about it!  It's quite unfair really. Next time I'll try and talk to the real you not the imaginary you....and I will try and be more patient, gentle, generous and loving in the way I talk to the real you. All my imaginary convos start from the premise that I am right and you are wrong and that you are not serving my needs as you should be. I am sorry for being so self-serving.

Love Holly 

Secondly a prayer,

Dear Lord,

Please help me to continue to trust in Jesus above all else (above a tidy house and even a good marriage) for my daily satisfaction. Please help me to refrain from those occasional imaginary conversations which benefit no-one and only serve to harden my heart towards those I love. Help me to see that mess is OK and help me to remember that mess in my house is more often than not a by-product of love, fun and friendship not for lack of effort to keep it tidy! 

Amen.

And Amen!

1,2,3 clean along with me!

 

Wow.

 

For the past two days little lady no1. and little lady no2. have had naps which coincide...

 

a blast from the past it's like a glimpse into my life before I had children!

 

Dare I say I felt rather useful and a lady of leisure all at the same time! I spent half an hour reading (which was wonderful as it also meant half an hour of sitting down...an absolute luxury these days...)and half an hour cleaning! It's amazing how much tidying gets done without two tiny people pulling toys out of boxes as you put them away or putting sticky fingers on everything they think you've just polished...

 

 

 

I won't go as far as to say I love cleaning, I mean who loves cleaning!? But I do love the way it makes me feel.  It makes me feel ordered and in control, I feel extra-super satisfied with my day if I have cleaned, tidied, sorted or washed something.  I genuinely feel a little bit of a failure if I haven't managed to clean, tidy, sort or wash anything.  Honestly. I am not kidding.

 

Last week a friend said to me that she found herself making a special effort with her appearance on days when she's struggling.  For me those days are fraught with cleaning.  I kind of always knew that's what I did but now I'm feeling really aware of how much of my daily satisfaction is derived by maintaining as shipshape a home as  possible.

 

Deep down a big part of me that really believes that I'll be a better, happier, lovelier person (especially wife and mother and Christian) if I have a tidy house (I'm not talking weird voyeuristic Chanel 4 documentary tidy more of a Cath Kidston wholesome kind of tidy).  Today during the ever so rare, truly precious "I can't believe this is happening two days in a row" double nap time, you guessed it... I tidied. I stood on chairs to reach shelves that I nor anyone else can see to polish, I moved furniture, got out the feather duster, cleaned the windows. 

 

Jesus said:

 

 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matthew 23:25-26

 

I'm a bit like the Pharisees; so concerned with the state of my house that I often forget to address the state of my heart.  Not everything is in the right place in my heart.  I lose my temper. I am slow to listen and quick to speak. I tell little lady no1. off for putting herself first and not thinking about others when I am guilty of the same thing often in the same moment! I say "wait a minute!" far too many times a day I say "yes darling?" when really I mean "what do you want now!?".

 

My tidying is full of greed and self-indulgence: "So and so, might think I've got life a little bit more sorted and sussed out if my house looks in vague order" which is really greed for other's good opinion of me. And then: "I can say I've done well, not only have I looked after the children but I've maintained a reasonable state at home" by which I really mean that I don't feel my time has been worth anything at all unless I have some small spotless area testifying to what I did with my day (which in reverse is evidence that I perhaps don't really think that clean, fed and usually happy children counts as an achievement-alas another post in itself dear reader!).

 

I have been battling with many issues lately concerning my home life, my role as wife and mother and although I cannot express everything here as I don't yet know how to express it I can tell you it is manifesting itself in cleaning.

 

So.  Much.  Cleaning.

 

But I am happy with small victories, at least I know this is what I do and usually that means God's about to challenge me and give me more grace and strength to become more like Jesus; concerned with the state of the hearts of those in my home, not the state they leave it in.

 

 

Would you like to have a picnic?

Lately Little Lady no. 1 has taken to flinging her toys all over the floor (I should make sure I emphasize that she's doing it more than usual-I would not want to imply that there is such a thing as a tidy toddler...) Today she said to me:

"Mummy, would you like to have a picnic?"

"Yes please!" I replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster before the second cup of tea "but I want you to tidy away your mini books first to make space" (26 tiny books-1 for every letter of the alphabet)

After a short pause for thought:

"There's space in the kitchen Mummy!"

I love her solution! Don't tidy, just find somewhere there isn't yet mess. Thanks...

I've just come downstairs after putting both ladies to bed (it took me a while to locate Little Lady no.2 she's always awash in a sea of plastic, I have to be careful not to stand on her!) to be faced with the remnants of a"sleepover" -the prospect of which was met with as much enthusiasm as the picnic- cushions all over the floor, blankets, muslins posing as blankets, innumerable mega blokks, pieces of toy pasta (why did I think that was a good idea!?)

And during mine and my husband's half hearted attempts to restore some sense of order to our home (on our 8th wedding anniversary no less!) I am reminded that no amount of funky ikea storage will ever make it look like busy, playful and excitable kids don't live here.

I am reminded that this is the carnage some people would literally give their left arm to have.

I am reminded that I am so blessed to spend time with these tiny, creative, life affirming, amazing albeit carnage making children.

I am reminded that I am walking on holy ground. The holy ground of raising the next generation to proclaim the Lord's faithfulness amongst the chaos.  Crumb coated, yesterday's sock covered holy ground.

And I am clinging to my hope that mess, most probably, is a by-product of love.

Please enjoy the post-carnage clear up job!

Breakfast shenanigans!

"Can I have sweet corn for breakfast, please Daddy"

"We don't have sweet corn for breakfast, it would be a bit weird, how about a weetabix?"

"No, please I have crunchy sweet corn?"

"Do you mean cornflakes!?"

"Yes"

Hahaha...

A few minutes later...

"Would you like some toast now?"

"Yes please, with my-mite please"

Half way through toasting

"I don't want toast!"

"I just asked you if you wanted toast and you said yes. Unfortunately you will be having toast"

After a two minute meltdown...

*places toast in front of exasperated toddler*

""Ooo...! Dear God, thank you for my toast, Amen"

Smile...I'm singing again!

I went to the Christmas party for my favourite toddler group yesterday and I was somewhat disappointed to find that any form of Jesus had been written out of the scene.  We were learning "all about Christmas" and yet there was no mention of a wise man or a star...even what I would call angels were described as Christmas fairies!  All nursery rhymes had been re-written for us to sing including santa, reindeer, snowmen and presents.  Don't get me wrong I love a good present but surely (and I apologise for this in advance) JESUS IS THE REASON FOR THE SEASON!

So I have taken it upon myself to re-write some of the classics with a nativity theme so you can sing them to your little ones (or yourself!) and learn all about the real, the very first, the one and only Christmas:

Smile...they're singing again dear!

Twinkle, twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are,
up above the world so high,
to tell of Jesus birth nearby,
twinkle, twinkle little star,
how I wonder what you are!



To the tune of here we go round the mulberry bush:

Here we go down to Bethlehem, Bethlehem, Bethlehem
here we go down to Bethlehem, on a cold and dusty morning

the wise-men went to...

the shepherds went to...

Jesus was born in...

To the tune of three little men in a flying saucer:

3 wise-men riding on their camels,
went through the desert one day,
one looked left to right but he didn't like the sight
so he followed the star away,

2 wise-men...

1 wise man...

To the tune of Old McDonald:

Baby Jesus born in a Barn E,i,e,i,o,
and in that barn there was a....

donkey, cow, sheep etc

To the tune of Head, shoulders, knees and toes:
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, cense and Myrrh!
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, cense and Myrrh!
Gifts to give the new born king!
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh, cense and Myrrh!

Please let me know if you can think of any more, five isn't many but my creativity has peaked today at that and banana muffins :)

I want a breadstick...

On returning home from nursery...

"Mummy I want porridge"

"Really? but isn't porridge a breakfast food?"

"I WANT PORRIDGE!"

"She's been talking about it all the way home" adds Daddy

"Wouldn't you rather have a bread stick" says Mummy, thinking this a more reasonable post-nursery snack.

"No, I want porridge"

"Ok you can have porridge"

*makes porridge*

"it's ready, come and sit at the table"

"NOOOO! I want to look at it first"

*toddler looks at and contemplates porridge*

"Mummy."

"Yes"

"I want a bread stick"

For. Crying. Out. Loud!

Jesus said "I am the bread of life" John 6:48 :)

Mad Mum, Bad Mum, Feeling a little bit Sad Mum

Dear Mad Mum...

you haven't left the house without one of your children for nearly four months...you can't see your bedroom carpet or remember its colour for the dirty washing and misplaced toys...hair bands are your best friend as they hide the grease really well...don't look too closely at the kitchen it makes your skin crawl...bite your tongue to stop yourself from cursing when you stand on the toy train/toy cutlery/ safety plug which the toddler can now remove from the socket...feed your screaming baby without being sicked on as said baby has a chest infect...smile sweetly and say "maybe later" as you hear the request "more Peppa Pig" for the 26th time in the past hour...
...and for the love of all things remember you're going out this Saturday for the first time in nearly four months without either of your children, to a murder mystery party no less which will hopefully satisfy the need to kill something.... in a safe and imaginary context...

Dear Bad Mum...

you have once again told the baby to shut up...although quietly so the toddler didn't hear so that's an improvement... you have given in and put baby to sleep on her stomach, despite all the recommendations and despite trying to feel ok with it you still feel like a terrible Mum...you fed the toddler hash browns and fish fingers smothered in ketchup because you just can't be bothered to battle her yet again to eat pasta or rice or potatoes or anything that doesn't really go with ketchup...you gave in and bought the ludicrously expensive packet of chocolate buttons at the chemist today to keep the peace and fed them to the toddler at 10 in the morning....you want to teach her all about Jesus but yet again can't be bothered to find the time to read the bible for yourself today...

Dear Sad Mum...

self pity is not your colour, despite being a sinner you still have more self awareness than your toddler and baby, some attitudes are just not acceptable- buck up your ideas.  Don't begrudge the fact that Jesus died for you because you just can't be bothered to say sorry and you'd rather wallow in self pity in vain hopes that if you just feel guilty enough God might accept you and then you wouldn't have to put upon Jesus once again and admit that you're useless and in need of a Saviour....
...It's ok to go out for the evening it might make you begrudge your children less....
...  Fish fingers aren't all that bad...

yours sincerely, Holly

Mummy...where's Jesus?

oh how I chuckle and hope no one notices!

During a rather placid teatime of sausage and pasta...

"Mummy"
"yes"

"Where's Jesus?"

"Where's Jesus!?" Ummm...in heaven sitting next to God"

"Oh. Can we go?"

"Go where? To heaven?"

"Yeah"

"One day, yes"

"oh, not now Mummy, it's getting late.  Can I play outside in a minute?"

"no darling, it's getting late"


Clearly it is completely reasonable not to go to heaven right now because it's getting late, but playing outside...well that's a different matter !

18 will have to do on baby number two

1.Somehow I have more than twice the work…

2.I have not continued into Mummy-hood I have become Mummy all over again from scratch because:

3.Baby number two is nothing like baby number one

4.I have ceased to care about dark circles under my eyes, the amount of biscuits and tv consumed by baby (now toddler) number one or the price of nappies

5.I consider 7am a lie in

6.I consider chocolate and a cup of tea by 8:30pm on a Saturday an absolute rave

7.I am constantly amazed that someone so small can create so much washing

8.I am constantly amazed that someone so perfectly formed once lived inside me

9.I am constantly amazed at my functionality to sleep deprivation ratio resulting in shopping done, tea cooked and toddler entertained more often than not

but

10.I am shocked and dismayed at how quick I am to lose my cool during the night

11.I am shocked by how much I think about what people think of me as I discipline my toddler in public (whilst baby no2 is abandoned in car seat!)

12.I am shocked that there is yet more undiscovered, previously un-dealt with selfishness lurking in my heart...

13.I am shocked that I do not know it all and I am begrudgingly learning humility

14.I am overwhelmed by the commitment it requires to bring little people into this world

15.I am overwhelmed by the commitment required to teach them this world is not their real home and to help them strive for their eternal one in all that they say and do

however

16.I am grateful that Jesus’ blood speaks a better word over my really bad days of failed routines, unmet targets and occasional shouting matches with the toddler

17.I am grateful that Jesus blood speaks a better word over days that are so good they could be photographed and slapped across the front of Mother & Baby all glossy and boastful.

I am struggling to get to a nice rounded 20 without stretching previous comments or racking my brain for more time than I have to spare so I’ll just finish with:

18.  I am in total agreement with the following statement: "...to have a child-it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around the outside of your body" Elizabeth Stone

Thankful Thursdays

I am thankful that today lovely little lady no.1 is at nursery!

I am thankful that last night I had a better night’s sleep.

I am thankful that little lady no.2 is having nice periods of wakefulness during the day and has begun to smile at me.

The smiles make the trauma and sleeplessness of the first six weeks worth it. However I still want to hit people who say to me “enjoy every moment, they grow up so fast”.  Too true, they do grow up fast, and thanks for all the added pressure of enjoying every moment, on top of keeping myself and little lady no.1 clean, fed and sane.

I am thankful for every moment but I have not necessarily enjoyed it.  Babies are hard work!  It has not helped that last week the husband worked nearly 80 hours and was away on one of the worst nights with little lady no.2 so far.  I have had my patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control tested to the max and unfortunately after one slip of the tongue I find myself having to explain to little lady no.1 why Mummy said “shut up” to the baby, in  a less than friendly tone, and why she should not repeat it.  Not exactly enjoyable! More guilty trippy really.

I find it currently hard to cope with the fact that although sleeplessness doesn’t help the situation it is not to blame for my sin.  The bitterness and self-centredness was already there it was just lurking deeper in my heart than I ever imagined and it has taken the tornado of baby + toddler + extremely busy husband to bring it into the harsh light of day.

However I am thankful that the Lord has never and hasn’t currently given me circumstances beyond what I can endure and I am trying to be thankful that he works to make me more like Jesus all the time!  Now is the right time for me to have two children, it wouldn’t be easier at a different stage of life, or if…or if…or if….  God has given me what I need right now, in this moment, to make me rely on him even more than ever before.  I depend on him for patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control more than I could ever have imagined.

In moments of despair when I feel it’s all too much to handle I am thankful that he has “delivered me from the domain of darkness and transferred me into the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom I have redemption, the forgiveness of my sins” Colossians 1:13-14.

And in moments of gummy smiles and happy toddler I am thankful that in all things he is teaching me “to walk in a manner worthy of him” Colossians 1:10 and that he wants me bear fruit as a wife and Mummy personally and for his kingdom’s sake, so whatever happens, whatever comes next I can live… and sometimes sleep in a way that is fully pleasing to him. 

newborns like to keep you on your toes...

I've corks up my nose...literally it feels like corks.  The lack of sleep has led my immune system to go on holiday and I have become Bummy.  Not Mummy, oh no.  The M sound is too hard to attain at this germ infested stage of new born sleep deprivation.

Also feeling a bit like a 24 hour dairy farm.  Little Lady no.2 fed every 45 minutes between 5pm and 1am yesterday and as much as I'd like to give her a dummy the Mummy Guilt and Dummy Righteousness creep in and I think to myself "no child of mine at three weeks old will have a dummy!" and then I look at my bed all cold and un-disheveled and I think would it be so bad?

On the plus side there are many interesting dramas and documentaries on at the moment that I'm finding time to watch/doze off during.  I have in particular enjoyed the last 20 minutes of "The Men Who Made Us Thin" at least three times...but I still don't know precisely how they did it....

Thankfully Little Lady no.1 has been brilliant, calm and collected, giving hugs, putting nappies in bins (whilst keeping up the potty training) and she really understands when we say "no that's not yours it baby's!" and we have had very few tantrums.  Feeling thankful for small mercies.

Also reveling in the fact that no two days are the same and so I never have to feel anxious that tonight will be as hard as last night because newborns like to keep you on your toes, or perhaps more precisely on your knees.

I'm on my knees...changing nappies and throwing myself very much at the mercy of God.  Not feeling like wondermum, just trusting that the patience, gentleness, self-control and love that I need to get through each day is something that God freely provides for me in Jesus.  I don't have to expend extra energy welling it all up from some unknown (yet undeniably limited) pool of inner strength. I can just relax in the knowledge that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

a royal baby...

I am as excited as much as the next Kate and Wills fan about the arrival of the Royal Baby. I was secretly hoping that baby no.2 would be born on the same day, and we were even prepared (had the new Royal Babe been a girl) to give our little one the same name...well middle name at least. But it was a boy so that solves that issue... 

this is what I got when I typed in Royal Baby!

You've got to the love the pomp and circumstance too, the crier outside the hospital, the golden easel outside Buckingham Palace, the processions today, let alone the world media and basic 24 hour coverage of the event. Woe betide anything else to happen in the world for the next couple of days because you cannot compete with the Royal Baby! Oodles of messages of congratulations have been sent from all over the world and I am considering sending a card myself! 

But all this fuss got me a thinking... this is just a baby, yeah sure a Royal baby, but only 'a'. A baby. Not actually 'The Royal Baby', this baby no matter how Royal, is one of many Royal babies, past, present and future. But Jesus was the baby. Singular and eternal Royal Baby.  And what did he get?  A feeding trough for a bed and I bet "The Bethlehem Post" probably didn't even bother to make an announcement.  He wasn't born under the best medical team in a private hospital wing with internet and fridge included.  Ok God sent his own angelic criers to announce the birth but to smelly dirty shepherds.  It's outrageous it would be like Kate and Wills sending their birth announcement to the homeless chap three doors down and inviting him to come and see their baby... Jesus' birth was so much more important than that of the new Royal, so much more significant and yet his circumstances assumed nothing.

No silver spoon for Jesus, no Obaby top of the range all singing all dancing pram, sure he got a few presents, a bit of gold, frankincense and myrrh but if you look at what those things represented for his life you'd think they were a bit weird and a bit naff and quite frankly a little inappropriate for a baby. 

I don't know where else I'm going with this post really, all I know is that Jesus is King and Lord of the universe and yet his arrival as The Royal Baby was pretty much overlooked, normal, average, a bit dirty, a bit smelly and shared with a few cows...talk about humility, talk about sacrifice because if anyone deserved the pomp and ceremony it was Jesus.

I guess all I'm trying to say is I feel kind of proud to know such a humble king.

Just a little note to say...

Dear people who have swept and mopped my floor lately, taken my bins out, cleaned my bathroom and hoovered my carpets, people who have prayed for me, with me and pointed me towards God's goodness again.

You know who you are.

What you don't know is just how much your servant heartedness has encouraged me this week. I am grateful for your kindness, willingness and wanting nothing-in-return-ness. I am so grateful for such a wonderful biological family, family-in-law, spiritual family and friends in general who have demonstrated such generosity (and I say this because my kitchen and dining room floor were particularly disgusting after a hectic and messy birthday party for the little lady even I didn't want to sort them out but you did!)

This is nothing more than a quick thank you and a general acknowledgement that through you God has provided for me and mine in so many ways I cannot begin to count them! 

So be encouraged people who have swept and mopped my floor lately, taken my bins out, cleaned my bathroom and hoovered my carpets, people who have prayed for me, with me and pointed me towards God's goodness again. I could not have made it through these past few hectic weeks without you.

As I approach d-day for munchkin number two I feel confident (albeit tired) because I know my God is a God who provides.

Lots of love to you all Holly, Hubby, Co-co and bump x x x 

Freedom Las Vegas

For ages (because I didn't really listen to the song) I thought it said "freedom Las Vegas".  Alas now I know better and I always feel a bit silly for thinking it said "freedom".  But despite feeling silly it's the ditty I sometimes sing in my head when I am pleased about completing or finishing something.

It's the ditty I sung to myself today as I finally left my place of work for the very last time as an employee! 

Hooray! I made it through!  I came so close to quitting so many times because I know now that I want to be a "full time, stay at home Mum" (take as much or as little offence as you like at the phrases) and having to go to work again and again was literally agonizing.  Tears have been shed, husband yelled at, cat sworn at, lovely little lady ignored because I was consumed by having to go to work when I wanted more than anything to be at home....

But God gave me strength and perseverance and got me through my severe "please don't make me go syndrome". He gave me a lovely place to work, kind people to work with and a generous and understanding manager. So admittedly, despite being happy to leave to be a "full time, stay at home Mum", I have had a little cry or four over the past couple of days because actually I'm really sad to leave.  I'm sad because I've made some wonderful friends, met some amazing people, heard some brilliant stories and been really privileged to look after so many people and I'll never get to walk the work corridors in the same way again.  

But this I know. That God gives grace for all situations. He doesn't promise easy rides but he promises sufficient grace in all areas of our lives.  He gave me plenty of grace to help me get through these last few months at work even though my heart was and is firmly fixed on my home and family. And no doubt when things are hard as a "full time, stay at home Mum" and I'm partly wishing I was back at work, I trust he will prove himself faithful all over again and provide me with more grace.  Grace is like the manna God provided for the Israelites in the desert. God provides just the right amount for each day, all I have to do is pay attention and go collect it wherever I am, whatever I'm doing.  I'm not going to be collecting it, living by it at my care home anymore but as a "full time, stay at home Mum". 

Same grace. Different place.