For the past two days little lady no1. and little lady no2. have had naps which coincide...
a blast from the past it's like a glimpse into my life before I had children!
Dare I say I felt rather useful and a lady of leisure all at the same time! I spent half an hour reading (which was wonderful as it also meant half an hour of sitting down...an absolute luxury these days...)and half an hour cleaning! It's amazing how much tidying gets done without two tiny people pulling toys out of boxes as you put them away or putting sticky fingers on everything they think you've just polished...
I won't go as far as to say I love cleaning, I mean who loves cleaning!? But I do love the way it makes me feel. It makes me feel ordered and in control, I feel extra-super satisfied with my day if I have cleaned, tidied, sorted or washed something. I genuinely feel a little bit of a failure if I haven't managed to clean, tidy, sort or wash anything. Honestly. I am not kidding.
Last week a friend said to me that she found herself making a special effort with her appearance on days when she's struggling. For me those days are fraught with cleaning. I kind of always knew that's what I did but now I'm feeling really aware of how much of my daily satisfaction is derived by maintaining as shipshape a home as possible.
Deep down a big part of me that really believes that I'll be a better, happier, lovelier person (especially wife and mother and Christian) if I have a tidy house (I'm not talking weird voyeuristic Chanel 4 documentary tidy more of a Cath Kidston wholesome kind of tidy). Today during the ever so rare, truly precious "I can't believe this is happening two days in a row" double nap time, you guessed it... I tidied. I stood on chairs to reach shelves that I nor anyone else can see to polish, I moved furniture, got out the feather duster, cleaned the windows.
Jesus said:
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matthew 23:25-26
I'm a bit like the Pharisees; so concerned with the state of my house that I often forget to address the state of my heart. Not everything is in the right place in my heart. I lose my temper. I am slow to listen and quick to speak. I tell little lady no1. off for putting herself first and not thinking about others when I am guilty of the same thing often in the same moment! I say "wait a minute!" far too many times a day I say "yes darling?" when really I mean "what do you want now!?".
My tidying is full of greed and self-indulgence: "So and so, might think I've got life a little bit more sorted and sussed out if my house looks in vague order" which is really greed for other's good opinion of me. And then: "I can say I've done well, not only have I looked after the children but I've maintained a reasonable state at home" by which I really mean that I don't feel my time has been worth anything at all unless I have some small spotless area testifying to what I did with my day (which in reverse is evidence that I perhaps don't really think that clean, fed and usually happy children counts as an achievement-alas another post in itself dear reader!).
I have been battling with many issues lately concerning my home life, my role as wife and mother and although I cannot express everything here as I don't yet know how to express it I can tell you it is manifesting itself in cleaning.
So. Much. Cleaning.
But I am happy with small victories, at least I know this is what I do and usually that means God's about to challenge me and give me more grace and strength to become more like Jesus; concerned with the state of the hearts of those in my home, not the state they leave it in.
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