Keep calm it's almost bedtime

Keep calm and carry on. Keep calm and drink tea (a personal favourite) but at the moment it's:

Keep calm and remember it's almost bedtime!

And I'm almost as excited for it to be my bedtime as I am for it to be the girls'.

And just as I'm catching up on many months of broken sleep Little Lady no2. is averaging 11 hours a night undisturbed (except for occasional loss of comfort bunny) we've decided to do it all over again. Back to square one...!

Yes that's right folks, there's another bun in the oven and I will briefly experience the 3 kids under the age of 4 scenario.


But I hear that more than one is just "more than one".

Although someone said I was a glutton for punishment which I think is also probably true but as someone who has always wanted a big family with lots of squabbling, fun, memories and mess I'm happy to grow another tiny person inside me and add to the flock.

Since I've had a loooong summer hiatus from blogging I just thought I'd let you all know where the little ladies +1 are at.

Little Lady no1:

• Is at preschool; she has teachers and everything! Although can I find a pair of plimsolls that fit her...? I've already had to take two pairs back and now she's one of the odds ones in slippers.
• Is cheeky and chatty beyond belief (really need to blog on convos with my 2....oh, now 3 year old).  "Mummy where do ducks sleep? Mummy do horses cover up their poo?" Let your imagination run wild, she certainly does!
• Sounds worryingly like me.
• Can use the tablet almost as competently as me, almost...
• Loves stories and singing and wiggling her bum to songs on the radio.
• Is fully engaged in a home preshcool curriculum with me.  Every day we do something related to the letter of the week which is related to a bible story and I have to say we're both really enjoying it and growing together in our Bible knowledge and enthusiasm for God's word. We found the syllabus here: God's Little Explorers
• And just to let you all know that we're a nice normal family Little Lady no1, has started every morning this week on the naughty step for a. refusing to come downstairs, b. refusing to take her nappy off, c. refusing to say please, d. throwing a hissy fit about being asked to do any and all of the above!

as for Little Lady no2:

• She eats like a horse....a  petite, delicate, starving horse....her portions are almost as big as her sister's, she finishes before her sister, is less fussy, more grumpy if you don't feed her fast enough, and is finished and ready to play again quicker than her sister who also spends regular time on the naughty step at meal times too....
• Is pointing at everyone and everything...and I'm a little bored of saying single words over and over again to myself and having people look at me like I'm a crazy person: "tree", "house", "tree", "man", "tree" etc etc etc...
• Is nearly ready for shoes! The best thing about girls is being able to buy so many shoes. The down side is tiny shoes are so expensive...oh and also girls mess with your mind....sort of hoping for a boy this time at least they only mess with the house...although their shoes are equally expensive.
• Has begun signing hoorah! Dog and swimming are current favourites and they're even in context.
• Likes to stand at the window sill, climb into the toy box and generally put herself in peril.

Little addition no3:

• Has been kicking for a couple of weeks....despite those who don't believe me I simply don't suffer that badly with wind.....and by baby no3. I know what it feels like ok!?
• Is the size of a lemon according to baby centre's "Poppy seed to pumpkin: how big is your baby?" page!
• Is coming with me on my journey into a low sugar diet. Apart from the two small slices of homemade apple pie...because, of course, it would have been a crime against all apple pies everywhere to not eat some and check that it was ok for everyone else to eat.

Wow no wonder I'm tired.

Off to bed now, oh wait.

I have to put the littles to bed and then go food shopping and then catch up on last nights Bake Off!

I love dressing up!

The little lady no1. is much like her Mummy. She loves dressing up!  We have a box full of dressing up clothes and I'm always eager to add to the selection which currently includes, among others, a doctor's scrubs, a ladybird dress and a ballerina's tutu. I would love to find a pirate and perhaps a cowboy outfit but I'll have to wait until the next Kwon sale!

I love dressing up so much I basically took a degree in it. Although I only did few productions getting decked out as a different person, to live a different life was always thrilling.  That moment before I would step on the stage knowing my lines off by heart, muttering my lines under my breath, waiting for other characters to respond, feeling the eye of the audience upon me still remains one of the most exhilarating experiences of my life. 

As the little lady no1. was dressed up as a half witch, half ballerina, half doctor today...too many halves mmm...it got me thinking about how, as a Christian, I am called to a life of dressing up. Go with me.

I get to traipse around my house, Tesco, Wollaton Park, the library et al dressed to the nines in "garments of salvation...robes of righteousness" Isaiah 61:10. 

But the problem is I often feel like a total fraud.  I feel like a character playing the part of the good christian, I know my lines and am careful to get it right under the eye of my friends, family and church -my audience.

Elyse Fitzpatrick in Comforts from the Cross writes:

Jesus has taken on the responsibility to dress you beautifully...it's his delight to dress you in garments that befit your calling as the bride of the Lord of lords. When he looks at you he smiles with deep affection and contentment. He has cleansed you completely so that you are radiant, without any stain or shadow of guilt or impurity.  We're not playing dressing up.  This is who we really are.

I forget that I AM the good christian! Not because I am but because Jesus was for me. I am 100% certified righteous because I believe the good news that Jesus lived, died and rose again.  I'm not playing the part. This is who I really am. Thank you Jesus for smiling at me.

I hope to teach both my ladies the joys that come with dressing up, be it on stage or when getting ready to go to a party.  But I want them above all to know the solid joy that comes when we unashamedly dress up as who we really are in Christ not frauds but beloved brides who are totally: cleansed, sanctified, loved before the dawn of time, friends of God, redeemed.

a blog by any other name

So? What's in a name?

As you may have noticed I have changed the name of my blog.  Which hasn't really been a blog, more of a stagnant diary over the past couple of months as we have battled various rounds of extreme business and illness (during which even the husband took some time off work...yes you heard me right!) thankfully followed by a sneaky four days away on holiday. 

When I started my blog, "confessions of a christian mum" seemed a good name with varying amounts of appeal according to who you are and what you consider worthy of being called a confession!  But in the last couple of months I feel I have been finding my blogging  bugbear niche. And I think that it is my thought life. I most frequently blog about the deeper goings on in my noggin as I grapple with being a wife and a mother from a Christian world view. Which I generously interspersed with the odd blog about cheese twists and soft toys for a comic element!

I have been pondering what to rename the blog for a while and just this week at church we have been looking at 1 Thessalonians and Paul writes about presenting the baby church there as his crown and joy on the day of the Lord's return.   As a Christian stay-at-home (although rarely actually at home) mum I view my family like a really mini church. They are the group of people God has given me to love and serve and I can think of no greater goal for my time as a wife and mother than to strive to see my husband and my children cross the finish line and stand by my side when Jesus returns. I want them to be my crown and joy.

The title crown and joy has been on my mind for a while now. Doesn't God have wonderful ways of prompting and encouraging? Although it may not immediately reflect my perceptions that my blog is about my thought life, I hope it will help guide my future posts as I have an overarching theme, if you will, to blog about.

Yes of course I will still confess to you my crazy lady thoughts, my funny and occasionally not so holy convos with my two year old, I will also share my walk with Jesus as I aim to be a better Christian, Wife and Mummy hoping to encourage and inspire....well mostly myself! I only have a few faithful followers (you know who you are) but blogging allows me some all important self-reflection, but more than that it helps me to preach the gospel to myself because the Lord knows...I'm rather forgetful.

brownie points if you can tell me why a rose is a significant picture for this post!

and so it begins!

"Mummy, I want a cheese twist!"

"No, darling you've just had a weetabix and toast"

"But I do want one!"

"I know you do, but the answer is no"

"But Mummy the best book to read is the Bible"

*Pauses and thinks*...where is this going?

"Yes. The best book to read is the Bible but you're still not having a cheese twist"

"Oh but I do want one!

*Toddler Pauses*

"Mummy can I have more Peter Rabbit?"

"No you've just watched two episodes of Sarah and Duck!"

"But Mummy I do want Peter Rabbit!"

*sigh*

"I know you do, but the answer is no"

And so today's conversational pattern takes on a strangely cyclical feel...

Wish me luck!

No, cuz I a growed up girl!

There have been numerous moments lately when the phrase "because you're a grown up girl" has been brilliant at persuading Little Lady no1. (now 2 years and 8 months) to change her behaviour and do as I say. The subsequent praise bestowed upon her for eating with her fork and spoon (no people baked beans are not a finger food!), putting her own shoes on (or at least trying) and wearing "big girl" knickers has probably been a little unnecessary....

It's now of course coming back to bite me, "please don't do that darling.  Please don't: pick Little Lady no. 2 up all by yourself; try cross the road without holding Mummy's hand; drag your stool across the kitchen to the hob in a valiant albeit suicidal attempt to stir the pasta" I say and the reply comes "no Mummy, cuz I a growed up girl!".

Clearly safety and reason are of no concern to a toddler who, for the past 7 months since Little Lady no2. arrived., has been fueled by the promise and praise of her autonomy!

But I realise that bribing Little Lady no1. with the promise of independence, autonomy, self-esteem and self-confidence, which are merely false gods, will ultimately lead Little Lady no.1 (and 2) away from the obedience that it required of her, and the grace and mercy that could be hers! No where in the Bible does it say that any of the above character traits are worthy of our life time's pursuit! The Bible says:

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart, O God, you will not despise"
 Psalm 51:17

So I have been challenging myself not to say it so much and to continue to teach Little Lady no1 obedience. For obedience is what is required of her! I shouldn't have to appeal, beg and manipulate her into listening to me and doing as she is told  no matter how effective recent strategies may have proved to be.  And I fear that all they have achieved is behaviour modification rather than address any of the heart issues my 2 year and 8 month old is actually grappling with.

She is a tiny, walking, talking unabashed version of everyone of us.  Seeking her own desires, pleasures and gains unable to even consider how or why her heart is wired the way it is. That's my job. It's my job to teach her to admit that she is broken, that sin has marred God's image of himself in her and only a contrite heart that trusts in Christ to save and restore her will give her any hope and reward in this life and the next. That's the reason she has me, I am supposed to be her conscience and guide until I have taught her well enough the Biblical principles she needs to navigate this world and her heart for herself, under God's authority.

Unfortunately I think she will hear "because I'm your Mother, that's why!"more, but hopefully when said with love, in truth, for her good, by God's grace (and probably with an extra sentence or two to further explain!) it will mean a whole lot more to her heart than "because you're a grown up girl"


On a lighter note:



yeah pretty much!

On conversations I didn't have...

Post mid-week sneaky shower whilst little lady no2. is napping and little lady no1. is at nursery. I am considering again the state of my house and my heart.

During showering I was looking at the windows in the bathroom all splash marked, the slightly gungy bath toys, the few stray hairs on the floor. As I wandered downstairs in my towel to find my moisturizing lotion I could almost feel my emotional state lowering as I looked at all the toys and random items of clothing adorning the stairs, hallway floor and any other surface I generally think they shouldn't be. I reviewed my day in my head: took little lady no1. to nursery, came home gave little lady no2. her breakfast, gave little lady no2. her nap, continued knitting a baby blanket for an expecting friend, woke little lady no2. from her nap bundled her into her snowsuit and into her pushchair to catch the bus to her swimming lesson, took her swimming, took her to clinic, came home had my lunch, gave her her lunch, rang the garage to discuss our faulty car whilst jiggling little lady no2. on my hip, put her down for a nap, jumped in the shower.....

Hello unreasonable self here's a question: When amongst all of that- am I expected to clean, wash, sort or tidy anything!? And then as I was moisturizing I began imagining my husband walking through the door from work and I imagined all the judgments he might make about how I use my time by assessing the state of the house. Then I began to argue with him in my head.

Yes. I am apparently a crazy person.

I imagined myself justifying my day, explaining all the things I had done, how much effort I'd put into those things in order to excuse my self-imposed feelings of laziness. I am once again in default mode of "clean house; clean heart, good mum, good wife".

So firstly an apology:

Dear Husband,

I am sorry for all the conversations I have with you where you are not actually present. Forgive me for the times you have come home and found me in a bad mood. I was angry because we had had an argument but you didn't know about it!  It's quite unfair really. Next time I'll try and talk to the real you not the imaginary you....and I will try and be more patient, gentle, generous and loving in the way I talk to the real you. All my imaginary convos start from the premise that I am right and you are wrong and that you are not serving my needs as you should be. I am sorry for being so self-serving.

Love Holly 

Secondly a prayer,

Dear Lord,

Please help me to continue to trust in Jesus above all else (above a tidy house and even a good marriage) for my daily satisfaction. Please help me to refrain from those occasional imaginary conversations which benefit no-one and only serve to harden my heart towards those I love. Help me to see that mess is OK and help me to remember that mess in my house is more often than not a by-product of love, fun and friendship not for lack of effort to keep it tidy! 

Amen.

And Amen!

1,2,3 clean along with me!

 

Wow.

 

For the past two days little lady no1. and little lady no2. have had naps which coincide...

 

a blast from the past it's like a glimpse into my life before I had children!

 

Dare I say I felt rather useful and a lady of leisure all at the same time! I spent half an hour reading (which was wonderful as it also meant half an hour of sitting down...an absolute luxury these days...)and half an hour cleaning! It's amazing how much tidying gets done without two tiny people pulling toys out of boxes as you put them away or putting sticky fingers on everything they think you've just polished...

 

 

 

I won't go as far as to say I love cleaning, I mean who loves cleaning!? But I do love the way it makes me feel.  It makes me feel ordered and in control, I feel extra-super satisfied with my day if I have cleaned, tidied, sorted or washed something.  I genuinely feel a little bit of a failure if I haven't managed to clean, tidy, sort or wash anything.  Honestly. I am not kidding.

 

Last week a friend said to me that she found herself making a special effort with her appearance on days when she's struggling.  For me those days are fraught with cleaning.  I kind of always knew that's what I did but now I'm feeling really aware of how much of my daily satisfaction is derived by maintaining as shipshape a home as  possible.

 

Deep down a big part of me that really believes that I'll be a better, happier, lovelier person (especially wife and mother and Christian) if I have a tidy house (I'm not talking weird voyeuristic Chanel 4 documentary tidy more of a Cath Kidston wholesome kind of tidy).  Today during the ever so rare, truly precious "I can't believe this is happening two days in a row" double nap time, you guessed it... I tidied. I stood on chairs to reach shelves that I nor anyone else can see to polish, I moved furniture, got out the feather duster, cleaned the windows. 

 

Jesus said:

 

 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matthew 23:25-26

 

I'm a bit like the Pharisees; so concerned with the state of my house that I often forget to address the state of my heart.  Not everything is in the right place in my heart.  I lose my temper. I am slow to listen and quick to speak. I tell little lady no1. off for putting herself first and not thinking about others when I am guilty of the same thing often in the same moment! I say "wait a minute!" far too many times a day I say "yes darling?" when really I mean "what do you want now!?".

 

My tidying is full of greed and self-indulgence: "So and so, might think I've got life a little bit more sorted and sussed out if my house looks in vague order" which is really greed for other's good opinion of me. And then: "I can say I've done well, not only have I looked after the children but I've maintained a reasonable state at home" by which I really mean that I don't feel my time has been worth anything at all unless I have some small spotless area testifying to what I did with my day (which in reverse is evidence that I perhaps don't really think that clean, fed and usually happy children counts as an achievement-alas another post in itself dear reader!).

 

I have been battling with many issues lately concerning my home life, my role as wife and mother and although I cannot express everything here as I don't yet know how to express it I can tell you it is manifesting itself in cleaning.

 

So.  Much.  Cleaning.

 

But I am happy with small victories, at least I know this is what I do and usually that means God's about to challenge me and give me more grace and strength to become more like Jesus; concerned with the state of the hearts of those in my home, not the state they leave it in.

 

 

Would you like to have a picnic?

Lately Little Lady no. 1 has taken to flinging her toys all over the floor (I should make sure I emphasize that she's doing it more than usual-I would not want to imply that there is such a thing as a tidy toddler...) Today she said to me:

"Mummy, would you like to have a picnic?"

"Yes please!" I replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster before the second cup of tea "but I want you to tidy away your mini books first to make space" (26 tiny books-1 for every letter of the alphabet)

After a short pause for thought:

"There's space in the kitchen Mummy!"

I love her solution! Don't tidy, just find somewhere there isn't yet mess. Thanks...

I've just come downstairs after putting both ladies to bed (it took me a while to locate Little Lady no.2 she's always awash in a sea of plastic, I have to be careful not to stand on her!) to be faced with the remnants of a"sleepover" -the prospect of which was met with as much enthusiasm as the picnic- cushions all over the floor, blankets, muslins posing as blankets, innumerable mega blokks, pieces of toy pasta (why did I think that was a good idea!?)

And during mine and my husband's half hearted attempts to restore some sense of order to our home (on our 8th wedding anniversary no less!) I am reminded that no amount of funky ikea storage will ever make it look like busy, playful and excitable kids don't live here.

I am reminded that this is the carnage some people would literally give their left arm to have.

I am reminded that I am so blessed to spend time with these tiny, creative, life affirming, amazing albeit carnage making children.

I am reminded that I am walking on holy ground. The holy ground of raising the next generation to proclaim the Lord's faithfulness amongst the chaos.  Crumb coated, yesterday's sock covered holy ground.

And I am clinging to my hope that mess, most probably, is a by-product of love.

Please enjoy the post-carnage clear up job!

Breakfast shenanigans!

"Can I have sweet corn for breakfast, please Daddy"

"We don't have sweet corn for breakfast, it would be a bit weird, how about a weetabix?"

"No, please I have crunchy sweet corn?"

"Do you mean cornflakes!?"

"Yes"

Hahaha...

A few minutes later...

"Would you like some toast now?"

"Yes please, with my-mite please"

Half way through toasting

"I don't want toast!"

"I just asked you if you wanted toast and you said yes. Unfortunately you will be having toast"

After a two minute meltdown...

*places toast in front of exasperated toddler*

""Ooo...! Dear God, thank you for my toast, Amen"