"please don't make me go" syndrome: part 2

Stupid Brain.  Stupid Heart.

Me-“I need to resolve the issue. I feel my last blog post was half finished”

Friend-“Are you ready to resolve the issue yet?”

Me-“I don’t know”

But it’s not a case of not knowing that God has me where he needs me- for now- to make me more like Jesus (aka at work rather than at home with the lovely little lady.)  It’s a case of obediently and joyfully accepting it for these next few months before Baby no.2 arrives. 

But I don’t want to.

I don’t want to be obedient.  

And even if I did I’m sure I’d do so begrudgingly rather than joyfully.

I don’t want to become more like Jesus.

I’m happy in my sin thank you very much.

That’s what it all boils down to.  

Today God has quietly asked me “what does your attitude tell you about how much you value my Kingdom?”

It tells me these three things:

1. I don’t value his Kingdom enough!  I value being able to believe that God wants to make me more like Jesus when it suits me, not him.

2. I've been blaming my sinful response (not wanting to be obedient and become more like Jesus) on the fact that I go to work.  I can hear myself saying “I wouldn't be feeling and acting like this if I didn't have to go to work”.  Because the grass is always greener. And because my heart is always quicker to look outside itself rather than at the sin within.

3.  For too long I've been trying to go to work in my own strength.  I've been looking inside and trying to well up some strange inner strength instead of looking to God who said “you can endure because I will give you the endurance you need”.

Whoever said obedience was easy?  Whoever said that believing in Jesus and desiring to become more like him was going to be a doddle?  Jesus said "pick up your cross and follow me". Do you know how heavy a crucifixion cross was…well neither do I.  All I know is I can barely move my own sofa to retrieve the toy car that’s zoomed underneath…

So here’s my prayer as I go to work again this morning…

“Lord I’m sorry that I don’t value being a part of your family as highly as I should.  Forgive me for all this time I've spent doing things in my own strength rather than relying on you to give me the grace I need to get through another day.  Forgive me for blaming my sin on my circumstances rather than looking at the sinful state of my own heart.  Father, help me today to rejoice in the fact that you want to make me more like Jesus in every part of my life using every circumstance you have place me in.  I thank you for my job.  I thank you for creating work for me to do and that doing that work today can give you glory and have eternal consequences. Help me to go in your strength so that you receive glory because of my obedient and joyful heart. Help me to remember that I said this prayer as I arrive at work so that it can continue to inspire me all day.  Amen ”

And I’m hoping that this will be a reality and more than just my Monday morning poker face.

‘please don’t make me go’ syndrome: part 1

What do you do when the usual ways you make yourself get up, hand your child over to someone else and go to work just aren't enough?

I keep telling myself this is what God has asked me to do for now, so I should remember that work is a good gift from him and it should remind me of him as my ultimate provider. I should know in my heart of hearts that going to work for his glory can have eternal significance;  as a friend aptly and helpfully put in a text to me on Monday when I was suffering yet again…or still…with ‘please don’t make me go’ syndrome.

I've thought about phoning work and saying “I’m ill” or “the little lady’s ill” but that of course my friends would be lying.  Although so helpfully- reminds my brain- “you are pregnant they’d understand and the Lady does have a nasty cough and didn't sleep a wink at nursery on Monday”, I've even thought about telling my manager I’m just not feeling up to it because she’d probably be very kind and let me have the day off…but the problem with that despite the fact it’s only half truth is that it doesn't solve the problem of what happens tomorrow morning…

So I’m feeling guilty about the imaginary “I’m ill” phone call, a little frustrated because I think the only reason I want to stay at home sometimes is because I’m lazy (so wonderfully implied by the PM’s aid recently), I’m grumpy with the Hubby because somehow it’s really his fault that I need to be at work right now, and I have no desire to enjoy the lady in these few short hours before nursery because I think if I can’t enjoy her for the whole days it’s just not really worth it.

So it’s all rubbish really.  But I’m going to go. I have to. I’ll probably vaguely enjoy it when I get there. But that’s not enough either.  Argh…nothing is enough this morning and I’m reminded of my own post from last week Enough Already and that’s not helping either.

Stupid brain.

I found a £20 note today!

Hooray! I found a £20 note today.  Don't you just love it when you find money...I found £10 in my front garden once too it was so exciting.

But this £20 already belonged to me.  

I went to a spa for the day on Saturday (I know, just thought I'd drop that one in) and so as to curtail any further expenditure I just shoved £20 in my bag and left my purse at home.  By the time I'd got to the spa...which was traumatic and included a twenty minute frustrating albeit scenic detour...no sign of the money! I was gutted and all I could think was that it had fallen out of my pocket and onto the pavement awaiting some stranger to snap it up without further thought to, me- the victim.

I searched my bag at least three times, my pockets at least five, hoping that on the final time it would have magically reappeared.  In the car park I got down on my hands and knees and looked under the car and I even had a poke around the shrubbery.  When I got home it was dark so looking around the drive was going to be futile.  I checked everywhere at home, under the shoe rack, in piles of paper work where it couldn't possibly have been, in the recycling just in case baby brain was really beginning to kick in...

Then this morning I pushed back the passenger seat in my car and ta-da! There was my £20 note.  I jumped up and down and waved my hands in the air which amused the little lady no end and several passers by too. Immediately I thought of the parable of the lost coin.  And felt a little guilty..."I don't do this song and dance about the gospel every day" I thought, "I'm never this excited when I'm reminded of how much I've been saved".  But then it occurred to me to read the parable.  Here it is:

"Suppose a woman has ten silver coins and loses one. Doesn't she light a lamp, sweep the house and search carefully until she finds it? And when she finds it, she calls her friends and neighbours together and says 'Rejoice with me; I have found my lost coin.' In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents" Luke 15: 8-10

and I was relieved to realise that God reminded me of this parable in my almost identical situation to show me that the joy I experienced over finding my money is just a mere shadow of the joy that God had when he found me!

Not to make me feel guilty about how little I sometimes rejoice over him.  Although there's probably reason for a little guilt most days....

Despite that I went to work please that I'd found my money but even more pleased that God had graciously used the whole fiasco to remind me of how precious I am to him and how much joy my repentance has brought to him and his angels.

What a privilege.    

Enough already.

Back in January the Hubby started a new job.  It's much more suited to his talents and he looks very handsome in a suit although of course I am biased...

anywho...it has been really good so far and a real testament to God's faithfulness and provision for us as we received news of the new job around the same time we found out we were expecting baby no.2.

But this last week has been a bit of a strain on the old family life.  Hubby  has left the house before 7am and arrived home around 10pm three nights in a row this week and although it's only been a few days it has left me feeling a little like a single parent!  I now  have a deeper sense of sympathy and understanding for friends I know whose Husbands are frequently away with work...and mine's not even away!

So you'd think that the lack of husband this week would make me realise how blessed I am and make me more appreciative of him.  But nope, of course not, that would be outrageous... instead I chose to allow it to make me feel a little proud; "see", I said to myself "I can do this all by myself, I'm perfectly capable".  Well.  True that may be however, God didn't allow me to feel that way for long...

I'm currently reading "Note to Self" by Joe Thorn our Church book for the term.  Yesterday I read  the chapter called Jesus is Enough and I was so challenged by the following statement:

"When you find your deepest satisfaction in Jesus, you are protected from bitterness in times of want and pride in times of abundance.  For you, Christian, all good gifts should remind you of the Giver, and their absence should remind you of that which never fades nor can be taken away"

I am clearly not finding my deepest satisfaction in Jesus, I have been quite bitter with the hubby over his time at work this week, telling him in a text yesterday that he should be grateful for all I've been doing...in a jokey way...but WE ALL KNOW the little emotional, manipulative daggers we try and hide behind such "humorous" statements. Then on the other hand when I feel I have coping strategies in abundance I have become proud "check me out what a wonderful single parent I would have made!". Ugh how disgusting is sin.

The good gift of my husband has not reminded me of the one who gave him to me and his absence certainly hasn't reminded me of Jesus my ultimate loving husband.

I have not been finding much satisfaction in Jesus at all really rather in digestive biscuits, excessive cups of tea, hurtful comments when I'm overwhelmed and pride when things are going well.  And of course BBC iplayer. 

But thank God for... well... himself. And also Joe Thorn.  I've recognised my bitterness and pride and I'm trying not to feel good about that either "oh I'm so amazingly self-aware blah, blah, blah".  I'm just hoping since the lovely hubby got home at 6:30pm this evening that I can thank God for (and enjoy) our evening together and remember that as much as I love my husband I will one day experience a face to face and everlasting encounter with the ultimate, way better than my own, husband.

And so to stir fry. Yum.

Blunder Mum

When's it coming...

when will it happen...

when will The Idea arrive...?

just keep blogging, just keep blogging, just keep blogging, blogging, blogging...

inspiration from Dory!

There are so many things I could have "just blogged about" since January 21st after a few weeks worth of Ideas...but wanting to be full of wit, gracious words and deep insight has left me shrinking back from the old blog...what if no-one reads it...I'm already way behind on page views compared to the other wonder mum's with their wonder mum blogs.

This is why I don't put up my statistics.  It's an unhelpful "my blog is better than yours!" (I'm humming that to the song about milkshake... you know the one).  And although every blog is every blogger's 15 minutes of fame on their own little stage I didn't blog for the ego boost originally.  I blogged to be an encouragement to others. Honest, that's how it started.

Of course it's lovely to have comments, it makes me feel like what I have to say matters. It's lovely to see people reading what I've written and I 'humbly' receive comments from close friends and family who keep themselves up to date with the blog.

But what's the point if it takes months between posts...bloggers's block, too busy, too uninspired, not enough of an ego boost to be worth the effort...the newbie bloggers buzz has subsided..and I'm just me.

what if I'm just really a rubbish Christian and I can no longer "confess" because I too am trying to be a wonder mum blogger when really I'm just a blunder mum blogger.  A mum who's yelled at her daughter three times already today, sat in front of the telly instead of cleaning the bathroom or reading her Bible...

I must confess I know people will say "it's ok, we all do these things... it could be worse".

It could be a lot worse.  I could face all this without knowing that

"When I'm stained with guilt and sin,
he is there to lift me, heal me and forgive me,
gives me strength to stand again,
stronger than I was before"

here endeth the wonder mum posts.

here beginneth "confessions of a blunder mum"!