‘please don’t make me go’ syndrome: part 1

What do you do when the usual ways you make yourself get up, hand your child over to someone else and go to work just aren't enough?

I keep telling myself this is what God has asked me to do for now, so I should remember that work is a good gift from him and it should remind me of him as my ultimate provider. I should know in my heart of hearts that going to work for his glory can have eternal significance;  as a friend aptly and helpfully put in a text to me on Monday when I was suffering yet again…or still…with ‘please don’t make me go’ syndrome.

I've thought about phoning work and saying “I’m ill” or “the little lady’s ill” but that of course my friends would be lying.  Although so helpfully- reminds my brain- “you are pregnant they’d understand and the Lady does have a nasty cough and didn't sleep a wink at nursery on Monday”, I've even thought about telling my manager I’m just not feeling up to it because she’d probably be very kind and let me have the day off…but the problem with that despite the fact it’s only half truth is that it doesn't solve the problem of what happens tomorrow morning…

So I’m feeling guilty about the imaginary “I’m ill” phone call, a little frustrated because I think the only reason I want to stay at home sometimes is because I’m lazy (so wonderfully implied by the PM’s aid recently), I’m grumpy with the Hubby because somehow it’s really his fault that I need to be at work right now, and I have no desire to enjoy the lady in these few short hours before nursery because I think if I can’t enjoy her for the whole days it’s just not really worth it.

So it’s all rubbish really.  But I’m going to go. I have to. I’ll probably vaguely enjoy it when I get there. But that’s not enough either.  Argh…nothing is enough this morning and I’m reminded of my own post from last week Enough Already and that’s not helping either.

Stupid brain.