"please don't make me go" syndrome: part 2

Stupid Brain.  Stupid Heart.

Me-“I need to resolve the issue. I feel my last blog post was half finished”

Friend-“Are you ready to resolve the issue yet?”

Me-“I don’t know”

But it’s not a case of not knowing that God has me where he needs me- for now- to make me more like Jesus (aka at work rather than at home with the lovely little lady.)  It’s a case of obediently and joyfully accepting it for these next few months before Baby no.2 arrives. 

But I don’t want to.

I don’t want to be obedient.  

And even if I did I’m sure I’d do so begrudgingly rather than joyfully.

I don’t want to become more like Jesus.

I’m happy in my sin thank you very much.

That’s what it all boils down to.  

Today God has quietly asked me “what does your attitude tell you about how much you value my Kingdom?”

It tells me these three things:

1. I don’t value his Kingdom enough!  I value being able to believe that God wants to make me more like Jesus when it suits me, not him.

2. I've been blaming my sinful response (not wanting to be obedient and become more like Jesus) on the fact that I go to work.  I can hear myself saying “I wouldn't be feeling and acting like this if I didn't have to go to work”.  Because the grass is always greener. And because my heart is always quicker to look outside itself rather than at the sin within.

3.  For too long I've been trying to go to work in my own strength.  I've been looking inside and trying to well up some strange inner strength instead of looking to God who said “you can endure because I will give you the endurance you need”.

Whoever said obedience was easy?  Whoever said that believing in Jesus and desiring to become more like him was going to be a doddle?  Jesus said "pick up your cross and follow me". Do you know how heavy a crucifixion cross was…well neither do I.  All I know is I can barely move my own sofa to retrieve the toy car that’s zoomed underneath…

So here’s my prayer as I go to work again this morning…

“Lord I’m sorry that I don’t value being a part of your family as highly as I should.  Forgive me for all this time I've spent doing things in my own strength rather than relying on you to give me the grace I need to get through another day.  Forgive me for blaming my sin on my circumstances rather than looking at the sinful state of my own heart.  Father, help me today to rejoice in the fact that you want to make me more like Jesus in every part of my life using every circumstance you have place me in.  I thank you for my job.  I thank you for creating work for me to do and that doing that work today can give you glory and have eternal consequences. Help me to go in your strength so that you receive glory because of my obedient and joyful heart. Help me to remember that I said this prayer as I arrive at work so that it can continue to inspire me all day.  Amen ”

And I’m hoping that this will be a reality and more than just my Monday morning poker face.