Mad Mum, Bad Mum, Feeling a little bit Sad Mum

Dear Mad Mum...

you haven't left the house without one of your children for nearly four months...you can't see your bedroom carpet or remember its colour for the dirty washing and misplaced toys...hair bands are your best friend as they hide the grease really well...don't look too closely at the kitchen it makes your skin crawl...bite your tongue to stop yourself from cursing when you stand on the toy train/toy cutlery/ safety plug which the toddler can now remove from the socket...feed your screaming baby without being sicked on as said baby has a chest infect...smile sweetly and say "maybe later" as you hear the request "more Peppa Pig" for the 26th time in the past hour...
...and for the love of all things remember you're going out this Saturday for the first time in nearly four months without either of your children, to a murder mystery party no less which will hopefully satisfy the need to kill something.... in a safe and imaginary context...

Dear Bad Mum...

you have once again told the baby to shut up...although quietly so the toddler didn't hear so that's an improvement... you have given in and put baby to sleep on her stomach, despite all the recommendations and despite trying to feel ok with it you still feel like a terrible Mum...you fed the toddler hash browns and fish fingers smothered in ketchup because you just can't be bothered to battle her yet again to eat pasta or rice or potatoes or anything that doesn't really go with ketchup...you gave in and bought the ludicrously expensive packet of chocolate buttons at the chemist today to keep the peace and fed them to the toddler at 10 in the morning....you want to teach her all about Jesus but yet again can't be bothered to find the time to read the bible for yourself today...

Dear Sad Mum...

self pity is not your colour, despite being a sinner you still have more self awareness than your toddler and baby, some attitudes are just not acceptable- buck up your ideas.  Don't begrudge the fact that Jesus died for you because you just can't be bothered to say sorry and you'd rather wallow in self pity in vain hopes that if you just feel guilty enough God might accept you and then you wouldn't have to put upon Jesus once again and admit that you're useless and in need of a Saviour....
...It's ok to go out for the evening it might make you begrudge your children less....
...  Fish fingers aren't all that bad...

yours sincerely, Holly

Mummy...where's Jesus?

oh how I chuckle and hope no one notices!

During a rather placid teatime of sausage and pasta...

"Mummy"
"yes"

"Where's Jesus?"

"Where's Jesus!?" Ummm...in heaven sitting next to God"

"Oh. Can we go?"

"Go where? To heaven?"

"Yeah"

"One day, yes"

"oh, not now Mummy, it's getting late.  Can I play outside in a minute?"

"no darling, it's getting late"


Clearly it is completely reasonable not to go to heaven right now because it's getting late, but playing outside...well that's a different matter !

18 will have to do on baby number two

1.Somehow I have more than twice the work…

2.I have not continued into Mummy-hood I have become Mummy all over again from scratch because:

3.Baby number two is nothing like baby number one

4.I have ceased to care about dark circles under my eyes, the amount of biscuits and tv consumed by baby (now toddler) number one or the price of nappies

5.I consider 7am a lie in

6.I consider chocolate and a cup of tea by 8:30pm on a Saturday an absolute rave

7.I am constantly amazed that someone so small can create so much washing

8.I am constantly amazed that someone so perfectly formed once lived inside me

9.I am constantly amazed at my functionality to sleep deprivation ratio resulting in shopping done, tea cooked and toddler entertained more often than not

but

10.I am shocked and dismayed at how quick I am to lose my cool during the night

11.I am shocked by how much I think about what people think of me as I discipline my toddler in public (whilst baby no2 is abandoned in car seat!)

12.I am shocked that there is yet more undiscovered, previously un-dealt with selfishness lurking in my heart...

13.I am shocked that I do not know it all and I am begrudgingly learning humility

14.I am overwhelmed by the commitment it requires to bring little people into this world

15.I am overwhelmed by the commitment required to teach them this world is not their real home and to help them strive for their eternal one in all that they say and do

however

16.I am grateful that Jesus’ blood speaks a better word over my really bad days of failed routines, unmet targets and occasional shouting matches with the toddler

17.I am grateful that Jesus blood speaks a better word over days that are so good they could be photographed and slapped across the front of Mother & Baby all glossy and boastful.

I am struggling to get to a nice rounded 20 without stretching previous comments or racking my brain for more time than I have to spare so I’ll just finish with:

18.  I am in total agreement with the following statement: "...to have a child-it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around the outside of your body" Elizabeth Stone

Thankful Thursdays

I am thankful that today lovely little lady no.1 is at nursery!

I am thankful that last night I had a better night’s sleep.

I am thankful that little lady no.2 is having nice periods of wakefulness during the day and has begun to smile at me.

The smiles make the trauma and sleeplessness of the first six weeks worth it. However I still want to hit people who say to me “enjoy every moment, they grow up so fast”.  Too true, they do grow up fast, and thanks for all the added pressure of enjoying every moment, on top of keeping myself and little lady no.1 clean, fed and sane.

I am thankful for every moment but I have not necessarily enjoyed it.  Babies are hard work!  It has not helped that last week the husband worked nearly 80 hours and was away on one of the worst nights with little lady no.2 so far.  I have had my patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control tested to the max and unfortunately after one slip of the tongue I find myself having to explain to little lady no.1 why Mummy said “shut up” to the baby, in  a less than friendly tone, and why she should not repeat it.  Not exactly enjoyable! More guilty trippy really.

I find it currently hard to cope with the fact that although sleeplessness doesn’t help the situation it is not to blame for my sin.  The bitterness and self-centredness was already there it was just lurking deeper in my heart than I ever imagined and it has taken the tornado of baby + toddler + extremely busy husband to bring it into the harsh light of day.

However I am thankful that the Lord has never and hasn’t currently given me circumstances beyond what I can endure and I am trying to be thankful that he works to make me more like Jesus all the time!  Now is the right time for me to have two children, it wouldn’t be easier at a different stage of life, or if…or if…or if….  God has given me what I need right now, in this moment, to make me rely on him even more than ever before.  I depend on him for patience, gentleness, kindness and self-control more than I could ever have imagined.

In moments of despair when I feel it’s all too much to handle I am thankful that he has “delivered me from the domain of darkness and transferred me into the kingdom of his beloved Son, in whom I have redemption, the forgiveness of my sins” Colossians 1:13-14.

And in moments of gummy smiles and happy toddler I am thankful that in all things he is teaching me “to walk in a manner worthy of him” Colossians 1:10 and that he wants me bear fruit as a wife and Mummy personally and for his kingdom’s sake, so whatever happens, whatever comes next I can live… and sometimes sleep in a way that is fully pleasing to him.