On conversations I didn't have...

Post mid-week sneaky shower whilst little lady no2. is napping and little lady no1. is at nursery. I am considering again the state of my house and my heart.

During showering I was looking at the windows in the bathroom all splash marked, the slightly gungy bath toys, the few stray hairs on the floor. As I wandered downstairs in my towel to find my moisturizing lotion I could almost feel my emotional state lowering as I looked at all the toys and random items of clothing adorning the stairs, hallway floor and any other surface I generally think they shouldn't be. I reviewed my day in my head: took little lady no1. to nursery, came home gave little lady no2. her breakfast, gave little lady no2. her nap, continued knitting a baby blanket for an expecting friend, woke little lady no2. from her nap bundled her into her snowsuit and into her pushchair to catch the bus to her swimming lesson, took her swimming, took her to clinic, came home had my lunch, gave her her lunch, rang the garage to discuss our faulty car whilst jiggling little lady no2. on my hip, put her down for a nap, jumped in the shower.....

Hello unreasonable self here's a question: When amongst all of that- am I expected to clean, wash, sort or tidy anything!? And then as I was moisturizing I began imagining my husband walking through the door from work and I imagined all the judgments he might make about how I use my time by assessing the state of the house. Then I began to argue with him in my head.

Yes. I am apparently a crazy person.

I imagined myself justifying my day, explaining all the things I had done, how much effort I'd put into those things in order to excuse my self-imposed feelings of laziness. I am once again in default mode of "clean house; clean heart, good mum, good wife".

So firstly an apology:

Dear Husband,

I am sorry for all the conversations I have with you where you are not actually present. Forgive me for the times you have come home and found me in a bad mood. I was angry because we had had an argument but you didn't know about it!  It's quite unfair really. Next time I'll try and talk to the real you not the imaginary you....and I will try and be more patient, gentle, generous and loving in the way I talk to the real you. All my imaginary convos start from the premise that I am right and you are wrong and that you are not serving my needs as you should be. I am sorry for being so self-serving.

Love Holly 

Secondly a prayer,

Dear Lord,

Please help me to continue to trust in Jesus above all else (above a tidy house and even a good marriage) for my daily satisfaction. Please help me to refrain from those occasional imaginary conversations which benefit no-one and only serve to harden my heart towards those I love. Help me to see that mess is OK and help me to remember that mess in my house is more often than not a by-product of love, fun and friendship not for lack of effort to keep it tidy! 

Amen.

And Amen!

1,2,3 clean along with me!

 

Wow.

 

For the past two days little lady no1. and little lady no2. have had naps which coincide...

 

a blast from the past it's like a glimpse into my life before I had children!

 

Dare I say I felt rather useful and a lady of leisure all at the same time! I spent half an hour reading (which was wonderful as it also meant half an hour of sitting down...an absolute luxury these days...)and half an hour cleaning! It's amazing how much tidying gets done without two tiny people pulling toys out of boxes as you put them away or putting sticky fingers on everything they think you've just polished...

 

 

 

I won't go as far as to say I love cleaning, I mean who loves cleaning!? But I do love the way it makes me feel.  It makes me feel ordered and in control, I feel extra-super satisfied with my day if I have cleaned, tidied, sorted or washed something.  I genuinely feel a little bit of a failure if I haven't managed to clean, tidy, sort or wash anything.  Honestly. I am not kidding.

 

Last week a friend said to me that she found herself making a special effort with her appearance on days when she's struggling.  For me those days are fraught with cleaning.  I kind of always knew that's what I did but now I'm feeling really aware of how much of my daily satisfaction is derived by maintaining as shipshape a home as  possible.

 

Deep down a big part of me that really believes that I'll be a better, happier, lovelier person (especially wife and mother and Christian) if I have a tidy house (I'm not talking weird voyeuristic Chanel 4 documentary tidy more of a Cath Kidston wholesome kind of tidy).  Today during the ever so rare, truly precious "I can't believe this is happening two days in a row" double nap time, you guessed it... I tidied. I stood on chairs to reach shelves that I nor anyone else can see to polish, I moved furniture, got out the feather duster, cleaned the windows. 

 

Jesus said:

 

 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence.  Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." Matthew 23:25-26

 

I'm a bit like the Pharisees; so concerned with the state of my house that I often forget to address the state of my heart.  Not everything is in the right place in my heart.  I lose my temper. I am slow to listen and quick to speak. I tell little lady no1. off for putting herself first and not thinking about others when I am guilty of the same thing often in the same moment! I say "wait a minute!" far too many times a day I say "yes darling?" when really I mean "what do you want now!?".

 

My tidying is full of greed and self-indulgence: "So and so, might think I've got life a little bit more sorted and sussed out if my house looks in vague order" which is really greed for other's good opinion of me. And then: "I can say I've done well, not only have I looked after the children but I've maintained a reasonable state at home" by which I really mean that I don't feel my time has been worth anything at all unless I have some small spotless area testifying to what I did with my day (which in reverse is evidence that I perhaps don't really think that clean, fed and usually happy children counts as an achievement-alas another post in itself dear reader!).

 

I have been battling with many issues lately concerning my home life, my role as wife and mother and although I cannot express everything here as I don't yet know how to express it I can tell you it is manifesting itself in cleaning.

 

So.  Much.  Cleaning.

 

But I am happy with small victories, at least I know this is what I do and usually that means God's about to challenge me and give me more grace and strength to become more like Jesus; concerned with the state of the hearts of those in my home, not the state they leave it in.

 

 

Would you like to have a picnic?

Lately Little Lady no. 1 has taken to flinging her toys all over the floor (I should make sure I emphasize that she's doing it more than usual-I would not want to imply that there is such a thing as a tidy toddler...) Today she said to me:

"Mummy, would you like to have a picnic?"

"Yes please!" I replied with as much enthusiasm as I could muster before the second cup of tea "but I want you to tidy away your mini books first to make space" (26 tiny books-1 for every letter of the alphabet)

After a short pause for thought:

"There's space in the kitchen Mummy!"

I love her solution! Don't tidy, just find somewhere there isn't yet mess. Thanks...

I've just come downstairs after putting both ladies to bed (it took me a while to locate Little Lady no.2 she's always awash in a sea of plastic, I have to be careful not to stand on her!) to be faced with the remnants of a"sleepover" -the prospect of which was met with as much enthusiasm as the picnic- cushions all over the floor, blankets, muslins posing as blankets, innumerable mega blokks, pieces of toy pasta (why did I think that was a good idea!?)

And during mine and my husband's half hearted attempts to restore some sense of order to our home (on our 8th wedding anniversary no less!) I am reminded that no amount of funky ikea storage will ever make it look like busy, playful and excitable kids don't live here.

I am reminded that this is the carnage some people would literally give their left arm to have.

I am reminded that I am so blessed to spend time with these tiny, creative, life affirming, amazing albeit carnage making children.

I am reminded that I am walking on holy ground. The holy ground of raising the next generation to proclaim the Lord's faithfulness amongst the chaos.  Crumb coated, yesterday's sock covered holy ground.

And I am clinging to my hope that mess, most probably, is a by-product of love.

Please enjoy the post-carnage clear up job!

Breakfast shenanigans!

"Can I have sweet corn for breakfast, please Daddy"

"We don't have sweet corn for breakfast, it would be a bit weird, how about a weetabix?"

"No, please I have crunchy sweet corn?"

"Do you mean cornflakes!?"

"Yes"

Hahaha...

A few minutes later...

"Would you like some toast now?"

"Yes please, with my-mite please"

Half way through toasting

"I don't want toast!"

"I just asked you if you wanted toast and you said yes. Unfortunately you will be having toast"

After a two minute meltdown...

*places toast in front of exasperated toddler*

""Ooo...! Dear God, thank you for my toast, Amen"